Things to do in Canaan….

 

somewhere in Canaan….

Campaign season in Kenya is a very interesting. Politicians and their supporters coin up the most interesting catch phrases.

For instance, this year opposition leader Raila Odinga has been christened Joshua which led to claims by his supporters that if he wins the elections, he will deliver the country from what they believe is oppression by the incumbent government.

So we are moving to the biblical promised land. We are going to Canaan.

If we were really moving to Canaan these are some of the activities we should prepare ourselves for….

  1. Rent out the country.

Kenyans don’t waste an opportunity if they can make money out of it. By now there should be deals by various real estate companies offering foreigners property deals.

Facebook groups would be created for efficient social media advertising for these properties.

This is just an example of how Facebook updates would read: “We are renting out our country(Kenya) and moving to Canaan from August 9. Not sure how long we will be away but inbox me if you are interested. Jokers stay away from this post!”

  1. No plan

“We are renting out our beloved country and moving to Canaan. Most of us don’t have don’t know how we will get there, where we will sleep and how we will survive but we still go. Kwani iko nini?” That would be carefree statement from a typical Kenyan blue Subaru driver.

Trade your eyebrows for data

He would probably abandon his blue Subaru and hitch a ride to Canaan with his Landrover driving friend. Of course, he will bring his own alcohol and find out from friends who are already in Canaan if there are enough women.

  1. Develop a Canaan accent

Kenyans adapt very fast in new surroundings. Even I have a Swedish accent and I have only been here three months. Let’s not get into details about that but to fit in Canaan they would most definitely drop their ‘r’ and ‘l’. better still why not bring the fake American and Bree-ish accent with them?

 

  1. Buy Credo…..

 

Kenyans love each other. If you want to confirm, as a foreigner, just try to insult one. The whole country will come for you. So, when we get there we will buy new sim-cards and try to trace each other on social media and find out where everyone lives.  Is there empty house nearby and how big are they? Do they have balconies? How close are they to the road?

 

  1. Celebrate the transition…

 

Once we settle in Canaan a festival will be organised just to celebrate the transition. The government will declare a specific day a national holiday. Those who love celebrating in the comfort of their homes will go to the Nakumatt in Canaan and shop as much alcohol as they can afford.  Goats and chicken will not be spared. Kenyans love to party.

 

Editor’s Note: Vote wisely. Tupendane!

Trade your eyebrows for data

I watch a lot of TV and Radio so as to improve my Swedish language skills. This has made me discover some hidden talents in me. That I have an ear for adverts. And I don’t discriminate. I sing along to all brands!

I recently shocked new friends when I suddenly danced to an advert whose melody I really enjoy. So finally, one gathered the courage to ask me if I understood what they were singing about. Turns out it was a condom advert. I hope they don’t think I had other things in mind when that came up. And that’s not the only ad I love. Below are more examples….

Shufa na Ndefe….

Maari Maari (Kenyan scrap metal collectors) guys would never survive in the Vikings land. Not when you can get paid to return beer and soda cans. And there is actually an advert for that. I sing to that too. It’s too catchy man. Sometimes in the bus I find myself humming it out loudly. I hope people don’t think that this is the first song I heard all my life. I swear there is music where I come from…C’mon guys!

While I was away…..

Abunuasi

Abonnemang should not be the first Swedish word I learnt when I got here. It means subscription and I knew that thanks to an advert featuring two men having a banter about different Comviq network subscription offers for airtime and their favourite Pizza. But you must agree that it sounds like Abunuasi (clown) when you first hear/read it…right?

Eye brows can buy airtime

My favourite advert is courtesy of Telenor network. It features a Chinese guy touring Europe and ends up hanging out with very bad people so he could use their data. He even sold one of his eyebrows in exchange for data. Luckily, he met someone who sold him fake eyebrows and advised him on how to manage his data. That still cracks me up even though I have watched it over a hundred times.

While I was away…..

 

I have not posted anything here for two weeks because I have been very busy with work.

However, that does not mean that I did not meet drama while I was away? I highly suspect that DRAMA and her grandchildren sit somewhere are make a daily schedule for me.

If not please explain how the following could happen to one person with two weeks…

Dog’s will make a man stay

I made a new friend. Nice guy with a beautiful heart. But he is stuck in an unhappy relationship. He has been with the woman for more than 10 years now but a year ago something happened. There was no more action in their relationship.

So why was he still sticking around? We asked him. Well they have two dogs together that he can’t bear being separated from. Yes, you read that right. A guy is willing to survive without action because of two four legged domestic animals. We didn’t even finish grilling him because he had to excuse himself to go and pick them up from kindergarten.

If I buy a dog and take it to Kindergarten while I go to work it had better answer the following questions in the evening: “Kisang’ule, what did you learn in school today?” Then I want a position in the dog PTA. Surely, I can’t be packing a lunch box for a dog that won’t bring home a report card at summer break. And if the kindergarten tries to stop me from naming my dog Kisang’ule I will sue them. The dog family name in my family must live on!

Attempted murder

I almost killed an old lady at the bus top with a heart attack. I sneezed. A hard one. Type sneeze that sounds like it had been salted, smoked and frozen for future use for almost 10 years. You know when you sneeze and it sounds like someone pronounced the word “SCHIZOPHRENIA” while bending. I’m talking about a moment where when you let it out you see termites. Black giant termites! So, the lady, clearly shaken, turned and exclaimed:”Herregud!” I think it means OMG! Then she collected her belongings and moved to the next bench. I would have done the same!

Fell in the bus!

This is what happened…. I was too lazy to stand and swipe my card so I underestimated the distance between me and the scanner (is that what they call them?) Anyway, I stretched my hand, tried to balance but almost chocked myself to death with my poncho which somehow entangled itself on my upper body. So, I tried to free myself with one hand. My eyes were popping out and everyone thought I was having a seizure. Then I stood up, dusted myself and sat down to type this update. I might also have to address the press later to explain that my dramatic day to day activities do not represent the behavior of an average Kenyan. I have done enough damage already by ruining the reputation of my country. I hope you will one day find it right to forgive me!

Like my Facebook posts or else…..

 

Learnt how to wave and walk

Because of being lonely, I have recently become very receptive towards new friendships. So much that I suspect the motorists I frantically wave back at are not my neighbours. I’m the type of person who is waved at and I must stop and wave till the car disappears. Frankly, I don’t know how other humans are able to walk and wave. Is that something they teach in school? Because we didn’t come across it in 8-4-4. That said, I almost killed a track driver with laughter as I waved back at someone I assumed was my neighbor. Dude had to jump out of his track to tell me he has NEVER seen anyone greet people such energy.

Game of stings….

A bee stung my masqwembe. Of all the body parts it could have targeted, it chose that.  And before I could even recover from the near to death experience that left me severely wounded, traumatized and fighting for my life, people started asking me if I had watched Game of Thrones.  I didn’t even watch Vitimbi as a child. Why do people expect so much from me?

 

Like my Facebook posts or else…..

Every once in a while I bump into people complaining that so and so does not like their Facebook posts yet I liked theirs. Religiously.  Or my beloved friends on my timeline threatening to unfriend some of us who have not been sharing the love on their updates.

And I totally get it because I have been in a relationship with Sean Paul for a while now but he never responds to my messages!

Such complaints send me into a ‘post liking spree’. I end up liking their posts from 1934. Then I end up in the other category. The stalkers category.

I really didn’t get it until I made the big move to Vikings land. Facebook has become one of my favorite places to run to when I’m down, bored and needy. Facebook is my living room, my cinema hall and business office.

I am slowly learning clicking on that status update actually means a lot and will be appreciated in one way or another.

Here are some possible examples as to why it’s important to show love on Facebook.

Gothenburg, a city without secrets!

Make someone’s day. It feels good to know that people out there are actually reading your updates and admiring your photos. A Facebook like is as good as a dark skin girl asking her team light skin dude if he thinks she is upto his league. And he says he will marry her. Whether he lied or not does not matter. What matters is what comes out of his mouth!

Meet  a spouse. Don’t just sit there and ask who will marry you. Your future spouse is actually waiting for you to ‘love heart’ his/her status update so that they can slide into the DM and spend the rest of your lives blushing every time ‘how I met your mother’ question comes up. Be proactive. Bloody Mugwanugu!

 Laugh a little. Liking and possibly commending on someone’s update means you will receive notifications from everyone who posts after you. Engaging people online does not always lead to a wedding but occasionally a good laugh. Which is very important for your high blood pressure!

Loosen up. Don’t just wait for people to start liking your updates show the initiative and they will like you back. Or not. It can be risky sometimes. You may end up looking like a stalker. Normally I spree like my targets and if they don’t like me back I go to their houses and find out where I went wrong. (Ok I just made that up but you know what I mean).

Build Networks. Forget everything I said above. This is the most important. I recently heard someone say that they contributed towards someone’s hospital bill because that person always engaged them on Facebook. People have even been employed because of commenting on others updates.  It’s a simple case of nikune nikukune (scratch me I scratch you). Ama namna gani my friends?

Welcome to the united nations of SFI


I’m I the only one who gets a comforting feeling when I know that I’m not suffering alone?

It’s almost as good as having a friend who is slightly overweight than you. She becomes a litmus test for all you discussions with your man.

“Babe, do you think this dress looks as bad on me as it would have on Miss Fatty?” you ask. then he tells you what you want to hear and you all live happily ever after.

Right now, I’m struggling to learn Swedish and it doesn’t help that I chose an intensive course.

It even gets worse because our multi lingual tutor has gone for summer holidays and was replaced by a tutor originally from Bosnia.

We are still on the introduction level and we have suffered.

Who is we? You ask?

My classmates and I.

So, the tutor was only supposed to teach us for a week and it’s not even over but it feels like a year already. Some lectures feel like we are drowning and when we are just about to die someone pulls us out to breath. Our blank faces are a combination of Mr Bean (Rowan Atkinson) when he makes a mistake and checks if anyone is watching and Jackie Chan when he asks: ‘Why you no make sense?”

The Arab speaking students are lucky because they have an awesome translator. We were lucky at some point because one of our classmates is from Macedonia and since they both spoke Serbian she acted as our translator. The tutor would speak Swedish and wait for the Arabic Speaker to translate. Then Speak Serbian to our class mate and wait for her to translate. Imagine the chaos.

I’m still a villager!

It’s like watching chicken feed after 3 minutes of hunger (that’s how long it takes for chicken to get hungry again right?)

Anyway, our awesome able translator has taken a summer break to visit her home country. Some of us have not done our assignments because we didn’t understand when the tutor assigned us. This confusion has really gotten into our heads that I even forgot to read, write and speak English for a moment.

But this experience has done a good thing. It has brought us closer. I have observed that people are more than willing to share knowledge with each other voluntarily.

Coming to Sweden made me more aware of my looks. I’m aware that I’m black and I have answered a few stereotypical questions that come with wearing this melanin coat. I’m not offended at all by the way.  However, being in this class made me feel normal again. Sometimes it’s like I’m in Kenya. It’s like we have created our own little world inside another country. A world where we laugh at our inability to speak Swedish, a world where we remind each other of undone assignments and a curious world to learn each other’s culture. I have met very good ambassadors of Columbia, India, Argentina, Indonesia, Poland, Macedonia, Syria, Palestine and Iran. Cheers to Summer SFI!