Month: August 2017

Why the Vikings don’t clean their shoes

The Vikings will wear a pair of shoes without cleaning them until they wear out.

I’m not at a point where I might start a voluntary services to clean random people’s shoes in this country.

I have tried to get a solid explanation from for this behaviour but none of them can really explain.

That has forced me speculate the reasons below.

It’s fashionable

It’s probably fashionable to wear dirty shoes and no one has told me. People probably wonder where I come from since I’m always in clean shoes. Has Kanye West and his zombie models tried this yet? Can someone update me please!

Types of Kenyans you will meet abroad

Nutritional value

If it’s not fashionable then probably, people boil their shoes when they are old and drink the soup from it. Probably rich in Calcium? I don’t know, I’m also trying to research. So don’t look at me like I know everything!

Points for dirt

There could also be a probability that the person with the dirtiest shoes will get rewarded during summer festivities. Probably rewarded with a Volvo and if they are immigrants they will be excused for mis-pronouncing Hjalmar Brantingsplatsen.

What dirt?

On the other hand, I may be the only one who notices the dirt. Come to think of it, apart from my Kenyan friends, no one else has told me about the dirty shoes. Are Kenyans paranoid?

Soap is expensive

I have tried to find cheap detergent in this country and everything is damn expensive. They don’t even have Panga Soap and Ushindi. I have suffered my friends. OMG! This might be the main reason why we have so many dirty shoes in this country!

PS: If you can’t take joke then probably this blog is not for you!

Types of Kenyans you will meet abroad

As you may have read in my previous blogposts, my last four months in Sweden have been very interesting.
I have met all types of humans. I won’t talk about people from other countries because I write for my Kenyan audience.

In four months I have met these types of people:

The know-it-all

I appreciate advice but there is a huge difference between advising and patronising. I have spoken to people who imagine that this is my first trip outside the country and that I’m very privileged to have boarded a plane here. Yaani, they almost made me go through how many stairs I took to get on board and how I should address the air hostess next time. And why do people want to know how much others are earning? For what purpose? To renegotiate my salary for me? Such people are the reason I chew on my sweater whenever I hear or meet them. I will ask for your advice when I need it.Chill and allow me to write my own story!

The hater

Then there is that one Kenyan who hates everyone. I met this family at a bustop and recognised them as Kenyans because they were speaking Kikuyu. I aproached them and this is what the woman told me: “Nilikuonea mbali. Lakini mimi sisalimiangi wakenya. Mnakuanga na maringo sana!” She then lectured me against wearing Kenyan affiliated attires because I will be easily spotted by other people. She then asked for my number and said: “Nitaona kama ntakupigia.” That, my friends, was the day I stopped looking for Kenyans!

Lessons from Kenyans in Sweden

The compasionate

So far most of my friends fall in this category. Patient, willing to help and very supportive of my dramatic settling in. These are people who have mostly lived here for ten years or less. I don’t want to write much about them coz I might start crying. I have never been this happy about meeting new people. I simply wuv them!

The curious eye

These one just want to know how you got to Sweden. Where you live. Where you work and how much you earn. Is your cat vaccinated? How long do you fry your onions? Do you chew sugarless gum? I’m the only one who meets such people? Just me? Ok, my bad!

Size-up queens

And then there are these ones! The ones you meet in a group of other people but they won’t even make an effort to greet you. They just stare at you blankly. When having conversations they will not look at you in the eye just so you know that you are not welcome. They don’t like you. End of story. Move on. That’s not your problem. It’s just an inferiority complex!

Lessons from Kenyans in Sweden

Women whispering — Image by © Image Source/Corbis

I recently clocked four months here in Gothenburg, Sweden.

How is it so far? Have I made new friends?

Yes, I have. But, making new friends is not a walk in the park and especially if you are looking for your fellow countrymen.

Here are the do’s and don’ts when you if you are planning to move to the Vikings land mingle with the Kenyan community.

Sorry Canaan, I’m moving to Estonia

Don’t be desperate

Kenyans in Gothenburg are very careful with whom they let into their circles.

So careful that if they hear that you are looking for them they might camouflage until they have studied you and know that you mean no harm. If you are desperate to make new friends then try elsewhere. Everyone is watching their back so it might take a while before they let you in.

Don’t ask questions

Some people may have cycled, swam or even taken a flight to Sweden. You will never know! That’s because they don’t talk about it. And asking too many questions might cost you a potential bestfriend. Don’t ask how many cats they have, if their boss is married or if they have spoken to their Kenyan pastor lately. Stop. That’s not your business. Just introduce yourself if necessary and if they like you, they will tell you their name. Ukome na ukome kabisa!

Don’t gossip!

Just because you think it does not mean you should speak it. People are understandably paranoid about gossips and if a gossipper is spotted, an emergency alert is sent out immediately. Personally, I like talking about my embarrassing moments to break the ice and keep conversations going.

So what if you are rich?

No one wants to hear about your achievements. Whether you live in a castle or drive a Ferrari. Don’t tell not unless they ask you. If it really itches and you can’t keep it to yourself then post it on social media. You will have a better audience there.

Stop talking to people’s spouses

I have always been paranoid about this even when I was in Kenya. Talking to someone’s spouse may creat unnecesary tension. I have also heard stories about husband snatching and sincerly my greatest fear is to ever get caught up in such a situation. Sasa mtu huanzia wapi?

Solitude helps

Being alone doesn’t always mean that you are unhappy. It’s also a good opportunity to find yourself. Take time to meet people from other countries too. Balance!

Sorry Canaan, I’m moving to Estonia

Change of plans, I’m not going to Canaan with the rest of the Kenyans. I have a better offer to work, study and go to a gym in Estonia.

See, we are living in interesting times where Kenya is voting for a new President, South Africa is voting to oust their President, Nigeria doesn’t know where their President is, Rwanda pretended to vote for their President and Ugandans don’t know how old is their President

So if I leave Sweden, I might need a more stable country where I can lay low as I wait for the election shenanigans to cool down.

How did I get this lucky? You ask?

I met the Estonian diplomatic representative to Kenya Kadri Humal Ayal courtesy of die-hard rotarian, writer and fellow Ya-hoodie, Carol Kimutai.

Well, I didn’t really meet her in person but on my Facebook wall and under very embarrassing circumstances. Just a few minutes after I had dusted myself from a fall at the gym.

This is what happened. I had just completed my 100kg ass to grass squat set when I realised that some guys were watching. I could read intimidation and admiration in their faces. So, I decided to impress some more. I decided to use the abductor machine as another squat tool. It can work but it’s main job is work the inner thighs.

Things to do in Canaan….

You should have seen me cross over to it. Strutting in my imaginary heels and pushing out my imaginary puffed chest. Frankly speaking, a gorilla had nothing on me. Anyway, I fell flat on my ass. From glory to grass. Then everyone was pretending they didn’t see that. Once again, I had embarrassed my country and this time I was very sure I would be deported and even left behind when everyone was moving to Canaan.

So, I posted my fears on Facebook and even suggested that I should seek asylum in Estonia. And in 10 minutes Carol had arranged a visual meeting with her excellency herself and I was offered gym asylum. Thanks to the Estonian Consulate in Kenya through the approval of her excellency Kadri Humal Ayal herself.

My only request to people moving to Canaan is: that please don’t forget to tag me in the photos.

Let’s keep in touch!

PS: Do we need to vaccinate ourselves against leprosy?