Things to do in Canaan….


somewhere in Canaan….

Campaign season in Kenya is a very interesting. Politicians and their supporters coin up the most interesting catch phrases.

For instance, this year opposition leader Raila Odinga has been christened Joshua which led to claims by his supporters that if he wins the elections, he will deliver the country from what they believe is oppression by the incumbent government.

So we are moving to the biblical promised land. We are going to Canaan.

If we were really moving to Canaan these are some of the activities we should prepare ourselves for….

  1. Rent out the country.

Kenyans don’t waste an opportunity if they can make money out of it. By now there should be deals by various real estate companies offering foreigners property deals.

Facebook groups would be created for efficient social media advertising for these properties.

This is just an example of how Facebook updates would read: “We are renting out our country(Kenya) and moving to Canaan from August 9. Not sure how long we will be away but inbox me if you are interested. Jokers stay away from this post!”

  1. No plan

“We are renting out our beloved country and moving to Canaan. Most of us don’t have don’t know how we will get there, where we will sleep and how we will survive but we still go. Kwani iko nini?” That would be carefree statement from a typical Kenyan blue Subaru driver.

Trade your eyebrows for data

He would probably abandon his blue Subaru and hitch a ride to Canaan with his Landrover driving friend. Of course, he will bring his own alcohol and find out from friends who are already in Canaan if there are enough women.

  1. Develop a Canaan accent

Kenyans adapt very fast in new surroundings. Even I have a Swedish accent and I have only been here three months. Let’s not get into details about that but to fit in Canaan they would most definitely drop their ‘r’ and ‘l’. better still why not bring the fake American and Bree-ish accent with them?


  1. Buy Credo…..


Kenyans love each other. If you want to confirm, as a foreigner, just try to insult one. The whole country will come for you. So, when we get there we will buy new sim-cards and try to trace each other on social media and find out where everyone lives.  Is there empty house nearby and how big are they? Do they have balconies? How close are they to the road?


  1. Celebrate the transition…


Once we settle in Canaan a festival will be organised just to celebrate the transition. The government will declare a specific day a national holiday. Those who love celebrating in the comfort of their homes will go to the Nakumatt in Canaan and shop as much alcohol as they can afford.  Goats and chicken will not be spared. Kenyans love to party.


Editor’s Note: Vote wisely. Tupendane!

10 thoughts on “Things to do in Canaan….

  1. This might be my only chance to develop an accent, so yes Canaaan here we come.Tunasija.Am loving your blogs keep up.

  2. ???? am dying man!! I heard we are wearing hoodies into Canaan ndio tuitwe waya-hoodie ??? love this!! ?

  3. In 2013 the current government declared their campaign the year of the Jubilee, which they adopted from the Bible. Some “Canaanites”, have also acquired new names with which to enter the promised land. If only Kenyans could use their creativity to unite the country and conquer tribalism, what a wonderful country we would be.

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