While I was away…..

 

I have not posted anything here for two weeks because I have been very busy with work.

However, that does not mean that I did not encounter drama while I was away. I highly suspect that DRAMA and her grandchildren sit somewhere are make a daily schedule for me.

If not please explain how the following could happen to one person with two weeks…

Dog’s will make a man stay

I made a new friend. Nice guy with a beautiful heart. But he is stuck in an unhappy relationship. He has been with the woman for more than 10 years now but a year ago something happened. There was no more action in their relationship.

So why was he still sticking around? We asked him. Well they have two dogs together that he can’t bear being separated from. Yes, you read that right. A guy is willing to survive without action because of two four-legged domestic animals. We didn’t even finish grilling him because he had to excuse himself to go and pick them up from kindergarten.

If I buy a dog and take it to Kindergarten while I go to work it had better answer the following questions in the evening: “Kisang’ule, what did you learn in school today?” Then I want a position in the dog PTA. Surely, I can’t be packing a lunch box for a dog that won’t bring home a report card at summer break. And if the kindergarten tries to stop me from naming my dog Kisang’ule I will sue them. The dog family name in my family must live on!

Attempted murder

I almost killed an old lady at the bus top with a heart attack. I sneezed. A hard one. Type of sneeze that sounds like it had been salted, smoked and frozen for future use for almost 10 years. You know when you sneeze and it sounds like someone pronounced the word “SCHIZOPHRENIA” while bending. I’m talking about a moment where when you let it out you see termites. Black giant termites! So, the lady, clearly shaken, turned and exclaimed:”Herregud!” I think it means OMG! Then she collected her belongings and moved to the next bench. I would have done the same!

Fell in the bus!

This is what happened…. I was too lazy to stand and swipe my card so I underestimated the distance between me and the scanner (is that what they call them?) Anyway, I stretched my hand, tried to balance but almost chocked myself to death with my poncho which somehow entangled itself on my upper body. So, I tried to free myself with one hand. My eyes were popping out and everyone thought I was having a seizure. Then I stood up, dusted myself and sat down to type this update. I might also have to address the press later to explain that my dramatic day to day activities do not represent the behavior of an average Kenyan. I have done enough damage already by ruining the reputation of my country. I hope you will one day find it right to forgive me!

Like my Facebook posts or else…..

 

Learnt how to wave and walk

Because of being lonely, I have recently become very receptive towards new friendships. So much that I suspect the motorists I frantically wave back at are not my neighbours. I’m the type of person who is waved at and I must stop and wave till the car disappears. Frankly, I don’t know how other humans are able to walk and wave. Is that something they teach in school? Because we didn’t come across it in 8-4-4. That said, I almost killed a track driver with laughter as I waved back at someone I assumed was my neighbor. Dude had to jump out of his track to tell me he has NEVER seen anyone greet people such energy.

Game of stings….

A bee stung my masqwembe. Of all the body parts it could have targeted, it chose that.  And before I could even recover from the near to death experience that left me severely wounded, traumatized and fighting for my life, people started asking me if I had watched Game of Thrones.  I didn’t even watch Vitimbi as a child. Why do people expect so much from me?

 

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